Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
