She is in my trunk
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
