I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
