Don't make out with my wife yet
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
