They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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