It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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