I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
