recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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