im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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