Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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