Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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