When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just pee around me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
