Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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