I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
