Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
