And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We're too hungover to prance.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
