he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
