just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
