just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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