Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
