theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
