i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just high enough for therapy.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
