i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
