one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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