Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
