My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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