Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
