So drunk its hurt
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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