How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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