i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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