And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
