I'm lost and stupid without you.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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