You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
