No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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