apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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