Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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