i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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