watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
A bitchslap is in order.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
