omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
