I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
