in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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