So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
