just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My liver just had a heart attack.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
