I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
