I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
