The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
