Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
