Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
