Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
