my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
